Unattainable Love by Lonely Little Dreamer

First meeting, within an instant
You have me, I'm yours.
Our eyes catch and my stomach flutters,
But you wear your mask so well.

Time passes with more glances.
Leaving me to fall helplessly,
Hoping you will catch me with your arms.
But still a statue you remain, unmoved and grounded.

My heart is finally consumed by you,
Given freely by my choice.
Anxiously I await to hear your voice,
But your silence echoes within my soul.

Broken now as the moments linger,
Confused, my mind aches from flooded thought.
Why must I always fall for the statuesque?
For that unattainable love.

IF YOU ONLY HAD A CLUE ~Ebbe Perales~

You can walk past me

And you don't see a thing

I just walk by with a smile

But inside my heart is aching

And I wanna know

If I mean something to you

I want you to feel

All my feelings that are true

I want you to see me

But what am I supposed to do

If you can't, and you won't

If you only had a clue

I walk back and forth

To see your smiling face

I see you standing there

And it's you I yearn to embrace

I can feel your heart beat

But you're so far away

One smile from you

Can brighten up my day

I want you to see me

But what can I do?

If you chose not to

If you only had a clue

Late update...Yikes!!

Oh...Em...Gee!!!!!

It's August 2010. Almost a year since I last visited my blog. Nothing much to update....well, actually alot to update but no one's reading....so it's kinda redundant. But I'll update this whenever I want to.

So here's a little things that I want to remember and for those who reads my pathetic b-log. Haiz.... -.-'''

1) Gave up teaching my Sunday School class 3 mths before this. Way too soon to give it up actually. Kinda miss my naughty little monsters.

2)Finally was able to go Singapore with my cousins last mth. A little late in updating....because was so busy...ha...more to lazy. Went to Sentosa Island...although all we did is go to the beach where "the Lyns" enjoyed their tanning session while I was worried of getting any more tanner than I already am. Also, I faced one of my worse nightmares when 3 or 4 days before my trip, my left ankle sorta got dislocated/masuk angin/sprained/I-dunno-what-else-to-call-it but it was swollen. I couldn't just not go. This trip was planned and already paid for. So I went either way. Walking down Orchard Road, Bugis Street, China Town and Sentosa Island with a supporter on my foot. As if walking wasn't hurtful enough...we walked from morning till night. But it was fun. "The Lyns" took good care of me and my needs. Love them!

"The Lyns"

3) I got a freaking new haircut!!!!! At last I was able to let go of my not-so-beautiful but LONG hair. I am gonna miss my LONG hair.....but....new place, sorta new beginning....so...a new do seems appropriate. ^.^

But of course, this do can't last long. By the time anyone sees me, my hair won't be "hot from the press" like in this pic. Sure got duck's tail here n there.....haiz...

4) Last but not least, heading to PJ in 2 weeks for my final year. Found a-not-so-bad place to rent. Although will be sharing with 2 other roommates....I think I'll be fine. Can't freaking wait to start classes and finally get over it. Then I can start working again....hopefully. Plan is to get a job before I graduate (good luck to me...finger's crossed). I want my freaking pay back!!! So I can finally shop again ^.^ Damn I miss shopping!!

Wake me up, when September ends....

so.....wat have i been doing lately.....

quit my job a mth or so ago....started my classes for two weeks and then break for a week for raya
my course it's tougher than i had anticipate....mostly because i hate doing research.....but gotta change my mindset and just do it.....

had a bunch of assignments which i was just SO lazy to do.....but had no choice.....force myself to do it otherwise it will never get done....

two years course...time will fly by....in a blink.....one year will pass...and it is when i have to transfer to Stamford PJ.....happy to finally get out of the house and be independent....but at the same time...am afraid to....
another blink....and another year will pass....and before i know it.....it will be 2011......can't wait for it to end...so i can start working again...earning again....spending again....wahahaha.....

but...i'm thinking way too far ahead....gotta get thru this sem first.....3 mths to december....3 mths to 2010.......damn....time flies!!!

choices -> romantic novel -> time

there are so many things i wanna do in life

things i can only dream about doing but no guts to do it

nevertheless, i wanna know that i have an option whether or not to do it

it's good to know that you can still decide whether to take that plunge or hold back

good to know you can choose

just read my third "romance novel"

i didn't like reading before but this book that caught my attention: Lisa Kleypas' Sugar Daddy

my very first novel that i finished reading

took a long time to read it at first because it was "slow moving" in the beginning

but manage to speed up when some parts got interesing

so fast that right after i finished it, i went to get my 2nd book from the same author also titled Blue Eyed Devil

finished that book in a flash...sort of.

my third book, i decided to try some other author, Emily Griffin's Love The One Your With

her's is not as intense so i fell in and out of love of the story

but in the end, i love her story even more and wished it didn't have to end

lesson learn, don't judge the book till you have read the whole thing!!!! =)

patience in her heroin, Ellen, anger, feeling lost, not enough closure, lucky, determine, etc

reading her book really makes me envy Ellen

her life, her choices, the love she has, the love her husband has for her

i longed for someone to love and some who loves me...as much as Ellen's character

the good and the bad that comes with it

damn....love story has so much effect on me.....

yes of course. it's not a real....but that doesn't mean it can't/doesn't happen

finding your true love and all

"sacrificing" your marriage to get the long awaited closure from your ex

just to learn you have indeed make the right decision

OMG, i think i can write the whole summary here if i had time...but i'm not going to

i am definitely buying the latest one from Lisa Kleypas, Smooth Talking Stranger

and maybe find another one from Emily Griffin too

and maybe find another author to love, maybe 2 or 3 or 4

yikes....didn't know i'd enjoy reading....maybe it's giving me to keep some dreams alive

or just the plain feeling of filling the void and boredom in my life

but damn, reading is expensive!!

anyway....it brings me to my next point...i think

i like writing all these stuff....especially if i'm bored

this is ONE of the things i wanna do in life...to write...whatever is it that i want

i wrote a story once....half way done....wait..not even half way....just a few pages

have no time to continue ever since i started working

but time is something i have to find

maybe cos i keep reading and try correcting my own mistakes, grammer, spelling, etc

until i get bored and son't know how to continue

but i have to do this, i have to finish my so-called novel

one thing i learn from my bro, finish what you started whether u like it or not

although, i;m not sure he sticks to it, but i'm hoping he does....and maybe, so will i

so i am going to find time for my passion once i start college again

it'll be as boring as the last time....but i can endure another 2 years

i promise i'd make the most of it this time

graduating again and have my family there with me this time around

as for the rest of the things i wanna do in life, i know i can do it

i just have to make time, either for work, studies, relaxing, exercise or fun

gotta have faith that i can achieve whatever goals i set for myself

and not by what others set for me!

blek

no more motivation to carry on working
also have less motivation to go back to study but that's just a small sense of fear i guess
fear of blending in
need to find a huge motivator to jump start my spirit into going back to college
can't back down now cos i have already paid my registration fees and stuff
1K plus all gone
my hard earn money
for the second time, i'm gonna have to support my own education
what a burden!
seeing some kids whom parents support their edu,
then throw that all away by not caring how well they do and just to have fun at coll/uni
really angers me
there they have no need to worry anything but to just study
and yet they throw that away
here i am having to worry to fend for myself.......so much to worry for
food, books, tuition fees, personal expenses, blending in, peer pressure, bills
gotta have to cut down on entertainment. leisure, comfort = hard work
i do envy those who have the means to do whatever they want
but i hate those who just throw it all away
they haven't felt the pinch
i consider my family almost below average (even though we don't look like it)
mummy's struggling...been struggling and always have been.....so i can't depend on her
she has come a long way since her younger days
and of course, she complains about every penny i spend and i understand where she's coming from
but sometimes i ignore that and "waste" some of my money on myself, on unnecessary stuff
cos if i don't i'll just go kuu-koo
when i told my aunt that i'm furthering my studies by taking another loan,
she asked me why my mom can't pay for my edu
she made a good point when she said this to my mom, "she still so young and already have so many debts"
in a way, i wish mummy was as rich as her so that i don't have to worry about money
and having parents who can support ur edu would be mind relieving
and wish that my aunt knows that we are no where close in being half as rich as her
but we are the way we are....gotta and have accepted that
and this will be a huge step for me to be supporting myself
if i have to go back to having no life (as if i have one now), then so be it
at least until one year is up and i have to be in kl....and still fend for myself
OMG....am i that scared to be totally independent??
all i wanted since high school is to be independent..to live on my own....or as mummy would say "spreading my wings"
but not when i have no financial support to even kick start an independence!
of course i'm scared.......damn it!!!

monday blues!?

i've becoming more and more careless lately.
yesterday, left a very beautiful imprint of the iron on my one and only working skirt.
if only you have seen my skirt, you would say i had such a magical touch, of burning that damn skirt!!
my poor poor skirt....i'm gonna miss u!!!
also, clumsy clumsy me.....accidentally let go of the stand fan's plug, fell down and broke into half.
the latch of the shared bathroom, it was on the verge of breaking.
unfortunately, i was the unlucky one who broke it.
i'll blame it on sleep deprivation!

the past whole week, been feeling sleepy at work.
it's not like i didn't get enough sleep. 6 to 8 hours of sleep should be sufficient.
but my body doesn't think so and it feels like shutting down.
i would be glad if i just get to lie on the floor right there in office and sleep.
wouldn't care about the dirty floor or my superior but i can't.
i guess i do care about my superior but not about the dirty floor.
right now at home, i wanna sleep but am still here blogging for no apparent reason.
actually just browsing though emails before i drag myself to bed.
even though my bedroom is less than 10 steps away, i can't find the strength in me to carry myself up to slum myself on my bed.
ah...that sounds so nice.

i think i need to start exercising to build my stamina so i don't feel weak all the time.
need to exercise to gain strength, to be healthy.
feel like quitting my job a month earlier in july and have the whole of august to exercise before my classes begin in september.
cos i'm afraid that i'll be all sleepy in class, yawning away while lecture is going on.
quitting a month earlier would mean i will have a full month to build up some stamina.
but i think i'll be so exhausted on the first week or so.
cos it's been AWHILE since i exercise
i'm becoming a veggie already, seriously......flabby arms, flabby thighs...haiz
need to turn those fats into muscle!!!

i think i'll have to complain now though...
lets see.......what sports or form of exercise can i take up?
roller blading - damn my rollers spoil already...tsk tsk
bowling - kinda waste of money unless i have a bowling alley in my hse...can turn to wii though...but i don't own one =(
sit-ups - wahahaaha....more to just sleep on the floor only la...
push-ups - barely get thru 1
skipping rope - hmm.....sounds fun...and childish but who cares.....i sure hope i can manage this
netball - my favourite...but no tournament or anything....glad i still can shoot perfectly but just no stamina to run the entire court like i did in my glorious days......wahahaha....why am i laughing? tsk tsk..... -.-'''
walking - totally achievable...cos everyday also do mar....
rock climbing - where's the rock? where's the mountain? gimme one and i'll climb it!
pole dancing - i hear it's a great way to get in shape!!
dances - i'm too stift...wish i was more mellow...maybe i can do robotic dance...haiz
jogging - will 'pancit' in the 1st 5 minutes....okay, give myself a little credit, maybe 10 minutes
swimming - it's been ages since i've been in a pool.....leg muscle sure cramp.....won't be able to hold my breath as much as when i was a kid
cycling - butt will be tortured

to be realistic i think i'm gonna choose jogging, swimming and cycling and skipping rope.
but it all depends whether i can handle anymore pressure from work in this 2 months plus,
because i do want to work till the 1st week of september so that i can still earn something.
but if i can't, well, i'll work for another 1 month plus and allocate the month of august to build some stamina.
august baby, here i come!!

cooking attempt

whenever my mom advice me that i should learn to cook, i'd roll my eyes.
when she teases me that it will be difficult for me to married cos of my lack of cooking skills, i will tell her that i'll marry a rich guy and we'll employ chefs!
yea yea....fairy-tail but i'm not gonna learn to cook just to impress a guy..
i'll learn for the sake that one day i'll be living on my own and that when i can't afford to eat out every day.
and the fact that i will miss my mom's cooking!
i already know how to make spices ever since my mom tortured me to peel the onions and stuff (or at least i think i do)
but one thing i'm gross-out by is slimmy stuff like chicken's breast, fish's whatever....ewk...
i don't consider myself as a girly-girl....but i hate icky stuff!!

so i took it one step at a time by cooking up a meal....or at least attempted to.
on monday, the "simplest" thing i can give a try on is fried mee with egg...wanted to add prawns but there wasn't any
sounds simple.....but i have never fry mee in my life
help my mom to prepare and hold the laddle to golek-golek the mee, yes
actually cooking it myself from start to finish, no
apart from forgetting to add oil before i fried the egg -.-''' , i forgot to put garlic and i accidentally put too much sesame oil into the fried mee
i was too hungry to complain....however, i admit that it suck!
attempt 1 = edible but failed!!

next day (yesterday), fried rice...........also, have no clue how to fry rice.
so mom told me how to do it the previous nite, dad even wrote down whatever she said.
dad already cooked rice and prepare every ingredient i need before he left the house.
sounds like i'm hopeless..but no....in my defense, cos by the time i reach home at 7...i'll be starving.
not much time to cook, so daddy prepared everything....all i need to do is FRY the damn rice
step 1 : put a slice or two of butter in the heated kuali
step 2 : add bawang putih and salt
step 3 : add the egg, fish cake and luncheon meat
step 4: add the rice
sounds so easy......but as i look at my pale rice, i added light soya sauce
just a little so that it doesn't get too salty
but it was still pale....so i added the thick black soya sauce
and that was when disaster happen
i took off the cap so that the sauce will come out faster and i accidentally looked away while doing that for just a tiny second
and wa-lah.....i had black rice!!!!!!
i quickily scooped the portion of extremely black rice and threw away
but too late......even with that blacken rice...the rest was all affected.
damn, my rice was so dark....but it wasn't too bad...should have put a little more salt though
attempt 2 : succeeded (a bit).

conclusion : i'm hopeless in the kitchen but i'm not giving up (i think)
today's dinner = out with lawyers in a baba nyonya restaurant
thank goodness......i needed some REAL food as oppose to the little less of a meal i had for the last 2 days
maybe i'll attempt to fry chillie fish and long beans or spinach with sambal and egg soup tomorrow
sounds easy but it's not going to taste like mummy's cooking
thank goodness she already skin the fish and prepared all spices
all i have to do is put those in the kuali and fry it!
if i can't even do that, my gosh.....die joann die!!
nah----eat out forever..............!

Love History? Traggic Love Story? "Greatgrandmother" Story?

*Warning - Might bore you to death if you keep reading!

i have always like him ever since i was 14
he was my first crush, and there could have been something there or at least i thought so
liked him ever since i laid my eyes on him, can't remember exactly when i first saw him
i think it was at MGS school
the interact club went there to prepare for the IU day
but never dared talked to him cos he was like the cute guy that you'd think will pay no interest in you
especially if you were as dark as i was and felt like an ugly duckling at certain point
or felt like a freak cos you were too tall

but after the very eventful sports day in 2000
we were calling each other once we reached home from school
talked about what....i can't remember
but i liked him even more and thought that he liked me too
though people warned me that he was a player
but i didn't care

it started on that sports day when i took part in 4x400m relay (i was the 2nd runner)
i sprinted through the 1st 100m (which was stupid)
then slowed my pace at the 2nd 100m cos i was leading (not so stupid after all)
towards the 3rd and 4th i was out of breathe (back to being stupid)
legs were begging to stop but since i was still leading, i couldn't let my effort go to waste
it was my 1st time having to complete a 400m lap, that was the entire track at the school field
but i didn't stop, i couldn't let my team mates down
as i got to the finish line, i passed the baton to the 3rd runner, went a few steps to the side
and pulled myself to the ground....more to collapsing to the ground is what others would have thought
i didn't care how i look or who was there or how dirty the ground was
i fell with both hands on the ground, butt sitting on my legs, head on my hands
(imagine a dog getting down on its knees and praying, if a dog can do that of course)
i wasn't unconscious, just out of breathe and trying to catch it by not wanting to walk

i knew there was a lot of people there at the finish line
when i fell and "slept" on the ground, i knew i fell infront of someone, more to falling infront of his/her shoes
omg....eww......but i didn't care, because once i landed on that, that person moved away
i didn't know who it was
the st. john ambulance members then came to my aid......as though i have fainted
all i wanna do is laugh cos i felt that it wasn't that serious
maybe to them it was cos a girl "fainted" (what a drama queen)
i was really just tired and can't take anymore steps with my precious legs which i had tortured a 400m run
they "fan-ed" me and carried me away from the finish line (as though i was so light)
but now i can't remember whether they carried me or did i get up and walked myself...hmmm...
anyway, i told them i felt a little better so they left after they sprayed something on my calves
then my dear friends, stephanie and rachel came
steph even rubbed my feet.....how sweet of her, i thought...cos i don't know if i would rub someone's feet
so i am very thankful to have a friend like her and can't even imagine how i let my ego get between us in the later years
but that's another story
after a few minutes, i gained back my strength
and went up to the podium to collect my gold in the 4x400m race
my sweet precious GOLD medal......damn was i glad
i even took part in the high jump and long jump
but can't remember whether i won any medal for that
at the end of the day, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, our blue house won the 1st place for that year's sports day

by evening, after celebrating i went home of course
i was wiped out, thought i could just bathe and sleep but my whole family went to jusco for dinner
the best thing that happen in jusco was, while i was in the elevator, my dad's hp rang
guess who called? it was my crush, it was him...he called my house number of course but got redirected to my dad's hp
back then we program any in-coming call to the house to be directed to daddy's hp whenever we weren't at home
he asked whether i was feeling better and i said i was
i was curious to why he would asked such a thing
he then told me he had witness my fall after my race
to be exact, he said that i fell right in front of him!
OMG.....i felt a little embarrassed but not so much for some reason
he also said that he actually wanted to "pick" me up or pat my shoulder to see whether i was ok
but was stop by the discipline teacher yelling at him like a warning not to touch me or something...lol
i can't confirm that story but his word was all i had

ever since then, we called each other after school
i grew to like him...or maybe just to have a guy to be able to chat with (naive and pathetic....sigh)
and i thought the feeling was mutual
so, one day while we chatting, he asked who i liked in school
i was shy and told him i'll hang up if i told him
so i told him i liked him and without allowing him to give me a response, i hung up
a little rude, i know, but i was so scared and shy
the next day, he brought me at the corner of the corridor near the field and told me i was too young or something
i was heartbroken, cos it was the first time i confessed to a guy i like him but was "rejected"
since then my self-esteem just went down hill
after that, i can't remember whether we talked again or not
and that was that, i think
the next year, he already graduated high school and i didn't hear from him for maybe 3 or 4 years later
i was in NS in 2004, and while i was jungle trekking, he called (amazing reception in the middle of no where)
can't remember what we talked about though
after my stint in NS, saw him once at a hawker stall.....after that, no word from him
totally lost contact

my feelings towards him will always be there but i keep telling myself that i wasn't his type
i can never get this guy
devastated = yes
moved on = yes
still have feelings = i think so cos he was my first crush
the thing is, i don't know him that well to like him even more
all i heard are stories which i think it's true but you can't believe rumours (naive!)
and then came that faithful day, 9th August 2008
didn't want to go out at first, didn't know that daddy wanted to go there
just got better from my MC of 4 days earlier that week
but manage to make it to the PC fair in MP that afternoon
less than 5 minutes into the PC fair, there he was, my crush
playing with his hp, all alone, tall and handsome just like i remembered but a little more buffed-up...totally yummy

we got to catch up for a few minutes and exchange numbers
since i thought he was there with someone, so i let him get going
i got going too.....wondering around the PC fair with bro.....damn bloody crowded and ewkkk....brushing all those sweaty people
then saw him with a bunch of people who looked like his family but didn't ask, didn't want to know
didn't want to pass him and his group so i turn another way
heart was beating, it wasn't like i was avoiding him, because the last thing i would do is avoid such a cute guy
it was because i'll be tongue tied
i mean, c'mon, here's the guy that i like since forever
talking to him would just make me blush, even though i think nobody can see me blush cos i'm not that fair
anyway, kept on walking, when all of a sudden we bumped into each other
though it felt like he purposely chased after me....which if it's true, it's kinda flattering and cute (gosh, i'm such a kid)
we talked a little more and went our separate ways

later, he text me saying that it was nice running into me....vice versa too
bla bla bla.....more catching up
said that the next time he's back, we'll definitely hang out
all the feelings rushed back in......but i knew that this will lead to no where
this thing we have is just friendship
cos he already has a gf
i don't want to be cheated with
and although i want to scold him for flirting with me when he already has a gf
i like the attention he gives me even if he comes back once in a million years
but i can't pursue anything more than a friendship

maybe it's just me, being a little perasan that he still likes me
maybe i read his niceness all wrong.....maybe he is that nice and i am that naive
but it can't be that i'm always wrong....can't be that i misread his behaviour
i always back down after feeling a little paranoid
can't help it by misreading my own judgment
i told my best friend, rachel about this excitement in my life
but when she knew that i was kinda devastated that he already has a girlfriend
she said something that i really wish was true and it was really nice to hear that
she thought that he and i were perfect for each other, that she was rooting for us
but the thing is, like i said, i don't know who he really is
just the fact that it's a guy whom i like since forever
but doesn't matter how much he said he likes me and still do or whatever
i know i can't compete with his girlfriend, whom by the way is with him for almost a decade
so that spells commitment and loyalty, right?
i'll definitely lose that battle!

sigh.......i long for someone like him...at least i think i do
not desperate, just longing for that special someone
i'm not going to interfere with his relationship....i don't intend to be a bitch or whatever you call it
i can't be the reason a girl is devastated....can't be the reason a heart is broken
i don't mind getting MY heart broken....
but i don't want to be toy-ed around as though i have no feelings
so a little flirting doesn't hurt right?
this is where it makes me wonder, is flirting harmless?
i'm trying to put myself in his gf shoes...
will i be hurt if many others flirts with my bf? no...cos he is that cute and it's flattering (crazy)
but will i be hurt if my bf flirts with others? yes!
i really wish he stops flirting with me.....cos it's not fair to his gf
also i can't take it knowing that i won't let this go anywhere.....it hurts
but damn this guy, 9 years and i'm still going ga-ga over him
i don't know what i would do, if he ever crosses that line....or if i can't hide my feelings anymore
what would the outcome be if i follow my heart? (dunno)
and fight for what i want? (as if i dare)
am i nuts to hope on something impossible? (yes!)
i'm just dwelling by that one evening at jonker and a lunch date
that little dark side of me wishes that he would continue liking me and flirts with me -.-'''
wishes for him to be honest and just tell me the truth
answers is what i need i guess......

whoever made it by reading this far, thank you for being in my world for "awhile"
can't believe you read the whole thing...but thank you
i'm not worried if my crush reads this, cos i can never say this to him in person
better at writing stuff down
so this is my so called traggic love story.....

she will be missed - NYSN

i've lost my grandma last week. it's been pretty hard for my mom and everyone else.
seeing the coffin being carried out of the house, seeing my mother's reaction is just heart-breaking.
to lose a mother, is not in anyone's best interest.
i've been battling within myself whether i should be sad or not
in a way, it's a good thing for my granny to have moved on
and no longer need to suffer a life with illness and being alone
but it just felt it wasn't her time

yes, i haven't exactly spent all the time i can with her
because i really wish i had more time with her
i wish she had more time with us
i am gonna miss her
but what i'm gonna miss most is without her, there wouldn't be anymore family gatherings
yes, there will be a few "gatherings" soon for prayers and stuff
but, that will slowly fade too
it's like a string has been cut and there's just no reason to come together
at least that's how i feel

i have been in denial about her passing
cos thinking about it just hurts
seeing the others putting a brave face, felt that i too have to be brave
but i couldn't
i know she's in a happy place
and all i have is to remember that she had remembered me
on the day i visited her in the hospital on the 2nd of May, before she went unconscious in the afternoon, and died the very next morning not waking up from it,
my aunt asked her whether she knew who i was
i swore she was gonna say my cousin's name....cos i thought she might already gone senile
but no.
she mentioned my name.
and that's the last thing she said to me!