i've lost my grandma last week. it's been pretty hard for my mom and everyone else.
seeing the coffin being carried out of the house, seeing my mother's reaction is just heart-breaking.
to lose a mother, is not in anyone's best interest.
i've been battling within myself whether i should be sad or not
in a way, it's a good thing for my granny to have moved on
and no longer need to suffer a life with illness and being alone
but it just felt it wasn't her time
yes, i haven't exactly spent all the time i can with her
because i really wish i had more time with her
i wish she had more time with us
i am gonna miss her
but what i'm gonna miss most is without her, there wouldn't be anymore family gatherings
yes, there will be a few "gatherings" soon for prayers and stuff
but, that will slowly fade too
it's like a string has been cut and there's just no reason to come together
at least that's how i feel
i have been in denial about her passing
cos thinking about it just hurts
seeing the others putting a brave face, felt that i too have to be brave
but i couldn't
i know she's in a happy place
and all i have is to remember that she had remembered me
on the day i visited her in the hospital on the 2nd of May, before she went unconscious in the afternoon, and died the very next morning not waking up from it,
my aunt asked her whether she knew who i was
i swore she was gonna say my cousin's name....cos i thought she might already gone senile
but no.
she mentioned my name.
and that's the last thing she said to me!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
"holiday" in the big city
Since last Wednesday was Malacca Historical City Day...took leave on the next followings days so i can finally "rest"....been working quite hard since December
at last, was able to take a trip to KL to waste my bonus.....
well, wanted to take bus on wed afternoon but kind jun ching said he'll be driving up that day
we headed to KLCC....walked through carparks, underground walkway, a little drizzle and reached Pavillion
then walked to a mamak (can't remember the name but was near a NZ curry house...dunno why i paid attention to a makan place that i wasn't at instead of the one i went to.... -.-''')
later we watched 'Shinjuku Incident'.....though it was a nice movie, it was definitely violent, gory and ewk....at parts i did feel like throwing up....
met up wit a colleague after the movie.....wanted to go for dinner but aunt said that i have to go home by 8.30 to follow her out for dinner
so our meet was cut short....we only managed to go out for a drink and a 'road-trip' from one end of a world to another....
just kidding....though it was "fun" getting stuck in a jam
was wondering how will i survive in KL if i were to ever live there
moving on, the whole of Thursday, went shopping shopping shopping and more shopping
first stop, Sunway Pyramid
ate porridge with "eu char kuey".....not bad.....
next stop was One Utama.....ate at Itallianies for lunch
this was black pepper mushroom soup, i think...wasn't that tasty...i prefer the one i cooked from the can...much more delicious....
can't believe lyn took this pic....
later, shop shop shop, managed to find 2 blouses....i adore one long sleeved that i bought at Forever 21....wore it the next day.....kena scolded cos didn't wash before use....but who cares....love it love it love it.....wished i had taken a photo then
we end up going home at nearly 11pm.....and i think cousié's dad @ my uncle got a lil angry that i got her out so late....yikes (sorry lyn)
friday was a bit out....planned to go out with frens but mummy had a thinggie in KL
so had to teman her as she'll just get LOST alone in KL......as if i won't get lost but at least i'm not like her
since aunty and cousin had to leave early to work and classes, i had to go out as early as 7.30am with them
went and had english breakfast (i have never been so jelak of egg until that day).....just too much egg
anyway, uncle sent me to KLCC right after that and waited or shall i say "kill time" till i had to "fetch" mummy from Puduraya at noon
OMG.......8.30am in KLCC.....KNS!!!!!
shops weren't open then, so sat at food court and stared at blank space....sort of la....
after "fetching" mummy and dropped her off at maju junction for her thinggie, sat around that so called "dead mall" till 5pm....nearly slept at starbucks
then went back to KLCC for cousin to fecth us, and that was nearly 7.30pm.....
i can officially say that i am sick of KLCC!!!!
and then there was yesterday.....
went to ikea, just to eat the hotdogs there....simply yummy....
but before that......paid for the most expensive movie ticket in my entire life at Cineleisure
me and cousié wanted to watch The Fast & The Furious 4
the only time was suitable was 11.30am, but it was only showing at the Platinum Suites
i thought she knew the prices but she didn't..cos she also didn't go before
so we asked the person there, and i swear both of us heard RM14
but ended up paying RM40 each for that "luxury" cineplex
thank goodness the show is worth paying for
but i have to say, best movie experience ever.....recliner seat, SPACIOUS seat.....so so nice!!!
all and all, i had a fun week......
shopping with cousié, meeting with colleague, movie with an old fren, expensive movie i ever paid, nearly dozing off at starbucks and all the rest
now zapping back to reality as i have to work tomolo......haiz
at last, was able to take a trip to KL to waste my bonus.....
well, wanted to take bus on wed afternoon but kind jun ching said he'll be driving up that day
we headed to KLCC....walked through carparks, underground walkway, a little drizzle and reached Pavillion
then walked to a mamak (can't remember the name but was near a NZ curry house...dunno why i paid attention to a makan place that i wasn't at instead of the one i went to.... -.-''')
later we watched 'Shinjuku Incident'.....though it was a nice movie, it was definitely violent, gory and ewk....at parts i did feel like throwing up....
met up wit a colleague after the movie.....wanted to go for dinner but aunt said that i have to go home by 8.30 to follow her out for dinner
so our meet was cut short....we only managed to go out for a drink and a 'road-trip' from one end of a world to another....
just kidding....though it was "fun" getting stuck in a jam
was wondering how will i survive in KL if i were to ever live there
moving on, the whole of Thursday, went shopping shopping shopping and more shopping
first stop, Sunway Pyramid
ate porridge with "eu char kuey".....not bad.....
next stop was One Utama.....ate at Itallianies for lunch
this was black pepper mushroom soup, i think...wasn't that tasty...i prefer the one i cooked from the can...much more delicious....
can't believe lyn took this pic....and the pizza was ok-ok......too many tomatoes......
later, shop shop shop, managed to find 2 blouses....i adore one long sleeved that i bought at Forever 21....wore it the next day.....kena scolded cos didn't wash before use....but who cares....love it love it love it.....wished i had taken a photo then
we end up going home at nearly 11pm.....and i think cousié's dad @ my uncle got a lil angry that i got her out so late....yikes (sorry lyn)
friday was a bit out....planned to go out with frens but mummy had a thinggie in KL
so had to teman her as she'll just get LOST alone in KL......as if i won't get lost but at least i'm not like her
since aunty and cousin had to leave early to work and classes, i had to go out as early as 7.30am with them
went and had english breakfast (i have never been so jelak of egg until that day).....just too much egg
anyway, uncle sent me to KLCC right after that and waited or shall i say "kill time" till i had to "fetch" mummy from Puduraya at noon
OMG.......8.30am in KLCC.....KNS!!!!!
shops weren't open then, so sat at food court and stared at blank space....sort of la....
after "fetching" mummy and dropped her off at maju junction for her thinggie, sat around that so called "dead mall" till 5pm....nearly slept at starbucks
then went back to KLCC for cousin to fecth us, and that was nearly 7.30pm.....
i can officially say that i am sick of KLCC!!!!
and then there was yesterday.....
went to ikea, just to eat the hotdogs there....simply yummy....
but before that......paid for the most expensive movie ticket in my entire life at Cineleisure
me and cousié wanted to watch The Fast & The Furious 4
the only time was suitable was 11.30am, but it was only showing at the Platinum Suitesi thought she knew the prices but she didn't..cos she also didn't go before
so we asked the person there, and i swear both of us heard RM14
but ended up paying RM40 each for that "luxury" cineplex
thank goodness the show is worth paying for
but i have to say, best movie experience ever.....recliner seat, SPACIOUS seat.....so so nice!!!
all and all, i had a fun week......
shopping with cousié, meeting with colleague, movie with an old fren, expensive movie i ever paid, nearly dozing off at starbucks and all the rest
now zapping back to reality as i have to work tomolo......haiz
Saturday, April 11, 2009
in a dilemma
i'm torn between continuing my degree when i already have a secured job, but it's not a job that i want/like.....
it's hard to make a decision when it feels like parents are depending on you....
told myself to be selfish and do what i want for a change since all this while i've been doing what they tell me to... =(
spoke to my lecturer and she asked whether i wanted to continue my degree
ever since i graduated in 2006, i have always wanted to pursue my degree but at that time i just didn't have the financial means to do it
and was lack of a few points for a scholarship
so i gave up then and was also lacking the determination to continuing studying
so i end up working
it's not easy....having to look at your friends with degrees and doing what they like doing
i admit, am a lil jealous
so that plays s a small factor on my decision to continue study
another is cos a diploma is like water to the working life...means nothing
there is a vast difference in salary between a diploma holder and a degree holder
and i want to latter.....
i have to let my parents know about my decision cos this will affect them financially too
if i were to continue, i would have to give up alot
no more buying unnecessary stuff....no more shopping for the sake of just shopping
gonna have to concentrate on just studying for 2 more years so that i can secure another job which hopefully pays well by the time i graduate
i have to make a decision
for me, it's now or never
cos the course i wanna continue is in june
lecturer told me that if i were to join this intake, there'll be a 10% discount on the total fees
which definitely helps
cos the course i'm planning to pursue is not very cheap
gonna have to apply again for college scholarship, if not, find some foundation to help, lastly ptptn
a friend told me, "you're still young" and of course i agree
but there's just so many things to think through before i make this decision....
dilemma! dilemma! dilemma!
it's hard to make a decision when it feels like parents are depending on you....
told myself to be selfish and do what i want for a change since all this while i've been doing what they tell me to... =(
spoke to my lecturer and she asked whether i wanted to continue my degree
ever since i graduated in 2006, i have always wanted to pursue my degree but at that time i just didn't have the financial means to do it
and was lack of a few points for a scholarship
so i gave up then and was also lacking the determination to continuing studying
so i end up working
it's not easy....having to look at your friends with degrees and doing what they like doing
i admit, am a lil jealous
so that plays s a small factor on my decision to continue study
another is cos a diploma is like water to the working life...means nothing
there is a vast difference in salary between a diploma holder and a degree holder
and i want to latter.....
i have to let my parents know about my decision cos this will affect them financially too
if i were to continue, i would have to give up alot
no more buying unnecessary stuff....no more shopping for the sake of just shopping
gonna have to concentrate on just studying for 2 more years so that i can secure another job which hopefully pays well by the time i graduate
i have to make a decision
for me, it's now or never
cos the course i wanna continue is in june
lecturer told me that if i were to join this intake, there'll be a 10% discount on the total fees
which definitely helps
cos the course i'm planning to pursue is not very cheap
gonna have to apply again for college scholarship, if not, find some foundation to help, lastly ptptn
a friend told me, "you're still young" and of course i agree
but there's just so many things to think through before i make this decision....
dilemma! dilemma! dilemma!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
23 yrs 2 mths = 278 mths = 8460 days
finally went out for lunch after 2 or 3 weeks of eating bread in the office
not that i don't wanna eat, just so damn lazy to get my butt out the office to ta-pau solid food
so, my colleague ajak to go to dataran, and we ate US pizza
i think we ordered a personal set, which shud consist of 4 slices of pizza
but it came in a regular set, double than what we ordered
1st time eating 4 slices of pizza......my limit is usually 2, max 3 slices
so bloated after that...felt like vomiting...cos so jelak
after that, went to daiso, a japanesse chain store....where every item costs RM5
which is cheap for some items.....but so bloody expensive for certain items such as a simple comb....ridiculous
earlier in the morning, got the guts to ask permission from my boss
though it took me 15 minutes to calm myself and gather my words
asking whether i can go home a lil early tomorrow to attend the good friday mass
he said no problem.....thank goodness.....
so yea....will leaving work at 3.45pm......yahoooooooo.......
but it will be a long tiring day, going to mass right after work, might be attending the procession
haiz haiz haiz......
anyway, i can't wait for next wednesday, am finally going up to kl by myself....
gonna do some damages to my bank account by doing some hardcore shopping....
we will see how far i'll go once in kl.....^-^
oooh...just realised...........i'm exactly 23 yrs and 2 mths old......crap! tt's not a good thing....
wait....23 yrs and 2 mths young!!!
23 yrs 2 mths = 278 mths = 8460 days.....and counting!!
not that i don't wanna eat, just so damn lazy to get my butt out the office to ta-pau solid food
so, my colleague ajak to go to dataran, and we ate US pizza
i think we ordered a personal set, which shud consist of 4 slices of pizza
but it came in a regular set, double than what we ordered
1st time eating 4 slices of pizza......my limit is usually 2, max 3 slices
so bloated after that...felt like vomiting...cos so jelak
after that, went to daiso, a japanesse chain store....where every item costs RM5
which is cheap for some items.....but so bloody expensive for certain items such as a simple comb....ridiculous
earlier in the morning, got the guts to ask permission from my boss
though it took me 15 minutes to calm myself and gather my words
asking whether i can go home a lil early tomorrow to attend the good friday mass
he said no problem.....thank goodness.....
so yea....will leaving work at 3.45pm......yahoooooooo.......
but it will be a long tiring day, going to mass right after work, might be attending the procession
haiz haiz haiz......
anyway, i can't wait for next wednesday, am finally going up to kl by myself....
gonna do some damages to my bank account by doing some hardcore shopping....
we will see how far i'll go once in kl.....^-^
oooh...just realised...........i'm exactly 23 yrs and 2 mths old......crap! tt's not a good thing....
wait....23 yrs and 2 mths young!!!
23 yrs 2 mths = 278 mths = 8460 days.....and counting!!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Wednesday's with Rae
another boring day at work....finally my immediate officer came back from a week's leave
thought that at last, i'll be busy again....since he's back, but i still had time to wonder around in my head
crazy of me to actually wanting more work to do
but i guess it's better than being totally bored....it can really drive a person insane
while at work, heard BSB's As Long As You Love Me on a customer's caller ringtone
whoops.....slipped back to 1998 or is it 2000 when that song came on air
man....i remembered watching that video clip a gazillion times....
the one where the guys auditioned 6 girls for smtg....weird cos the band only consist of 5 boys
so i always wonder why do they need 6 girls?
well, anyway, couldn't care less about it now....
moving on, had my Wednesday's-With-Rachel...but this time it's straight up after work....compare to lunch time previously
had so much laughter about........uoh-oh....crap (rae, i forgot wat it was about again)
anyway, while we were having dinner at nando's, heard yet again another BSB song, this time it was Get Down......sigh.....good old days
later went to dataran for a walk-a-ton....seems like we walk n walk n walk......from one end to the other
but walking on top of dataran's field was just amazing....very calm, breezy....nice evening out
all and all, i had fun today....tired but fun....nice continuation from saturday.... =)
thought that at last, i'll be busy again....since he's back, but i still had time to wonder around in my head
crazy of me to actually wanting more work to do
but i guess it's better than being totally bored....it can really drive a person insane
while at work, heard BSB's As Long As You Love Me on a customer's caller ringtone
whoops.....slipped back to 1998 or is it 2000 when that song came on air
man....i remembered watching that video clip a gazillion times....
the one where the guys auditioned 6 girls for smtg....weird cos the band only consist of 5 boys
so i always wonder why do they need 6 girls?
well, anyway, couldn't care less about it now....
moving on, had my Wednesday's-With-Rachel...but this time it's straight up after work....compare to lunch time previously
had so much laughter about........uoh-oh....crap (rae, i forgot wat it was about again)
anyway, while we were having dinner at nando's, heard yet again another BSB song, this time it was Get Down......sigh.....good old days
later went to dataran for a walk-a-ton....seems like we walk n walk n walk......from one end to the other
but walking on top of dataran's field was just amazing....very calm, breezy....nice evening out
all and all, i had fun today....tired but fun....nice continuation from saturday.... =)
Saturday, April 4, 2009
better day
so nice having Rachel home at last....
it's been awhile since we hang out and chat
kept my mind busy with just talking and not really thinking
but i think i talked too much till can drool while talk while eat.....
OMG....like uncivilized person....what a sight to behold..... -.-'''
anyway, we went to mcd and sat there for 2 hours.....just chatting....
more to me talking than her....sorry girl....i know i talked too much....hehehe
after that, went around dataran....walk walk a bit....ate chocolate waffle.....thanks girl for letting me have some....i enjoyed it....never tried before this actually....
after that, went to "thai wadee reflexology" for a fish spa thinggie....
the one where u put ur feet in a pool....and little fishes start nibbling off ur dead cells....
very ticklish...nearly half an hour of torture for rachel, i think.....but i had fun though....
thanks girl for temaning me...wish we had more time to chat.....
boys. careers. dates. holiday. etc etc etc.....
muaks girl!!!
it's been awhile since we hang out and chat
kept my mind busy with just talking and not really thinking
but i think i talked too much till can drool while talk while eat.....
OMG....like uncivilized person....what a sight to behold..... -.-'''
anyway, we went to mcd and sat there for 2 hours.....just chatting....
more to me talking than her....sorry girl....i know i talked too much....hehehe
after that, went around dataran....walk walk a bit....ate chocolate waffle.....thanks girl for letting me have some....i enjoyed it....never tried before this actually....
after that, went to "thai wadee reflexology" for a fish spa thinggie....
the one where u put ur feet in a pool....and little fishes start nibbling off ur dead cells....
very ticklish...nearly half an hour of torture for rachel, i think.....but i had fun though....
thanks girl for temaning me...wish we had more time to chat.....
boys. careers. dates. holiday. etc etc etc.....
muaks girl!!!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Living versus Surviving
people often forget how to LIVE
rather, all they try to do in this life is survive
the world out there is tough, i know
but why do we tend to just survive and not LIVE our lives?
sitting at my desk, thinking that this job indeed doesn't suit me
thinking that this is not what i was born to do
this is not what i want
has always made me realize it's time to toughen up and pursue something i really like doing
this job is not something that i want, but it is something that i need to survive
which brings me back to my point
people often forget how to LIVE!! including me, that is
how are we suppose to live if we do not like what we do?
doing something we don't like in order to survive is not exactly living
what i am frustrated about is that i have to start out young to be carrying such a burden to work
it's not exactly that i have to support my family
but in a way, i feel like whatever i do, i have to keep in mind that my actions/decision will affect them
whether it's quitting my job to continue my studies
or getting a job in another state
i can't help but to be totally aware of all pros and cons if i were to make such decisions
i do want to get out of my house
one, because i feel like my folks are controlling my life 24/7
two, because i have the need to be independent, cos if i don't start now, when will i?
i didn't exactly had the luxury of furthering my studies or pursuing something i like, maybe i lack the confidence but that's beside the point
though i feel like i have no motivation to do what i want
lack of drive, confidence, knowledge and support
i have no support from practically everyone
which leads to me being so needy.....longing for that mr. right
but then again, it pushes me to be that independent, and i think that scares me
omg....i think that might also scare guys to approach me.....cos i'm independent?
hahahahaha....hearing myself say that in my head makes me wanna burst to laughter
i don't think that I'm that independent....cos I'm still living with my folks....feeding off them
but that doesn't mean I'm needy nor dependent
or that i can be independent and not needy
crap!! lost what i wanted to say and got lost on what I'm suppose to mean...
sigh~~~
i need a break from life.......traveling across Europe will definitely help
but that would be so costly......maybe seeing a shrink would be good too...same thing...costly
anybody wants to be my shrink for FOC?
oh gosh....I'm going nuts....as usual
madness!!!
so....i do wanna be selfish and live on my own but thinking about it just affects my daily life
i know that times are bad and changing jobs right now isn't that of a brilliant move
but keeping the recession factor aside, i have always wanted to live on my own
out of this comfort zone but honestly i think i'm scared of that
so i have to make a decision, no hurry though
just wish i could have this conversation with my folks
i'm too young to be surviving......i need to be living!!
but first, i have to figure out what the hell is it that i want in life!!!
haiz...... -.-'''
rather, all they try to do in this life is survive
the world out there is tough, i know
but why do we tend to just survive and not LIVE our lives?
sitting at my desk, thinking that this job indeed doesn't suit me
thinking that this is not what i was born to do
this is not what i want
has always made me realize it's time to toughen up and pursue something i really like doing
this job is not something that i want, but it is something that i need to survive
which brings me back to my point
people often forget how to LIVE!! including me, that is
how are we suppose to live if we do not like what we do?
doing something we don't like in order to survive is not exactly living
what i am frustrated about is that i have to start out young to be carrying such a burden to work
it's not exactly that i have to support my family
but in a way, i feel like whatever i do, i have to keep in mind that my actions/decision will affect them
whether it's quitting my job to continue my studies
or getting a job in another state
i can't help but to be totally aware of all pros and cons if i were to make such decisions
i do want to get out of my house
one, because i feel like my folks are controlling my life 24/7
two, because i have the need to be independent, cos if i don't start now, when will i?
i didn't exactly had the luxury of furthering my studies or pursuing something i like, maybe i lack the confidence but that's beside the point
though i feel like i have no motivation to do what i want
lack of drive, confidence, knowledge and support
i have no support from practically everyone
which leads to me being so needy.....longing for that mr. right
but then again, it pushes me to be that independent, and i think that scares me
omg....i think that might also scare guys to approach me.....cos i'm independent?
hahahahaha....hearing myself say that in my head makes me wanna burst to laughter
i don't think that I'm that independent....cos I'm still living with my folks....feeding off them
but that doesn't mean I'm needy nor dependent
or that i can be independent and not needy
crap!! lost what i wanted to say and got lost on what I'm suppose to mean...
sigh~~~
i need a break from life.......traveling across Europe will definitely help
but that would be so costly......maybe seeing a shrink would be good too...same thing...costly
anybody wants to be my shrink for FOC?
oh gosh....I'm going nuts....as usual
madness!!!
so....i do wanna be selfish and live on my own but thinking about it just affects my daily life
i know that times are bad and changing jobs right now isn't that of a brilliant move
but keeping the recession factor aside, i have always wanted to live on my own
out of this comfort zone but honestly i think i'm scared of that
so i have to make a decision, no hurry though
just wish i could have this conversation with my folks
i'm too young to be surviving......i need to be living!!
but first, i have to figure out what the hell is it that i want in life!!!
haiz...... -.-'''
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Never cry for any relationships in life
Because for the one whom you cry does not deserve your tears
And the one who deserves will never let you cry
Treat everyone with politeness
Even those who are rude to you
Not because they are not nice
But because you are nice
Never search your happiness in others
It will only make you feel alone
Rather, search it in yourself
You will feel happy even if you are left alone
Because for the one whom you cry does not deserve your tears
And the one who deserves will never let you cry
Treat everyone with politeness
Even those who are rude to you
Not because they are not nice
But because you are nice
Never search your happiness in others
It will only make you feel alone
Rather, search it in yourself
You will feel happy even if you are left alone
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
cafe ruah -> almost getting a tat -> beauty pageant
last Saturday was interesting....
went to work as usual....(i can't believe i had to work on MOST Saturdays)
later evening, went to cemetery....it's been awhile since i visited my grandpas grave...
rushed back home, and headed out with bro to St. Theressa's church
the youth of all churches in Malacca had a thingie called "Cafe Ruah"
it's where the youth gathers and just mingle
we had it in a hall with "romantic" candles on the table, youths playing an instrument or sing.....kinda like a bistro
all i did was sulk in the pathetic excuse of a chair the second i got there....
never lifted my butt till the night ended
didn't want to go.....but teman'ed' my bro....also, wasn't exactly up for an earth hour home with my folks, so just getting out of the house seems like a good idea
anyway, had fun looking at teenagers.....wished i was still one....the life of no worries
then Sunday came along.....
didn't feel like teaching the kids anything.......just didn't have the mood
guess I'm still in the "in-between-phase"
but managed to go through my lesson without releasing any anger on my kids
later when classes were over, waited for bro to finish lecturing the youths for some disaster they had caused
that went by short....cos he really didn't want to be the middle guy to lecture those youths
so both of us were just not in a happy place that day
and so i drove us to a tattoo parlor...ever ready to get a permanent ink
i was just a closed-door away from getting a tat......lucky thing the guy was out for lunch
being a no-patience-in-waiting kinda person, i left.
no tats now, but I'm still considering
just found a design that I really really want....just need the courage to do it.
and then, there's today
well, there is this Miss Public Bank Beauty Pageant coming up next year
and the centre I'm working at are suppose to send 1 contestant for the preliminary round during this years annual dinner...and most of my colleagues are kinda forcing/encouraging/persuading me to represent our centre....
like any other beauty pageant, there's evening gown, talent, swimwear and Q&A category
as much as I wanted to submit my application......i just don't have the guts.....
a friend told me if I were to do it for my colleagues, then it's a waste of time...which is true
but I DID wanna participate to challenge myself.....cos it would be fun and it's something I'd like to do
but in the end of the day, I caved into my fear of wearing a swimsuit in public -.-'''
I have no fear of being in the public's eye, been there, done that......but just not where I have to parade around my body in a swimsuit in front of the whole world.....(ok, I'm exaggerating)
I don't mind if I had to do it in front of group of strangers but in front of my people I work with?
imagine my "baby fats" flabbing (is this even a word?) around my waist....waiting to catch a glimpse to every eye out there during the annual dinner....OMG
I can wear as little as a miniskirt or shorts with blouses or tank tops
but swimsuit or bikini......no thanks!!!
~jolie @ the shy girl who needs more guts if she were to participate in the pageant~
went to work as usual....(i can't believe i had to work on MOST Saturdays)
later evening, went to cemetery....it's been awhile since i visited my grandpas grave...
rushed back home, and headed out with bro to St. Theressa's church
the youth of all churches in Malacca had a thingie called "Cafe Ruah"
it's where the youth gathers and just mingle
we had it in a hall with "romantic" candles on the table, youths playing an instrument or sing.....kinda like a bistro
all i did was sulk in the pathetic excuse of a chair the second i got there....
never lifted my butt till the night ended
didn't want to go.....but teman'ed' my bro....also, wasn't exactly up for an earth hour home with my folks, so just getting out of the house seems like a good idea
anyway, had fun looking at teenagers.....wished i was still one....the life of no worries
then Sunday came along.....
didn't feel like teaching the kids anything.......just didn't have the mood
guess I'm still in the "in-between-phase"
but managed to go through my lesson without releasing any anger on my kids
later when classes were over, waited for bro to finish lecturing the youths for some disaster they had caused
that went by short....cos he really didn't want to be the middle guy to lecture those youths
so both of us were just not in a happy place that day
and so i drove us to a tattoo parlor...ever ready to get a permanent ink
i was just a closed-door away from getting a tat......lucky thing the guy was out for lunch
being a no-patience-in-waiting kinda person, i left.
no tats now, but I'm still considering
just found a design that I really really want....just need the courage to do it.
and then, there's today
well, there is this Miss Public Bank Beauty Pageant coming up next year
and the centre I'm working at are suppose to send 1 contestant for the preliminary round during this years annual dinner...and most of my colleagues are kinda forcing/encouraging/persuading me to represent our centre....
like any other beauty pageant, there's evening gown, talent, swimwear and Q&A category
as much as I wanted to submit my application......i just don't have the guts.....
a friend told me if I were to do it for my colleagues, then it's a waste of time...which is true
but I DID wanna participate to challenge myself.....cos it would be fun and it's something I'd like to do
but in the end of the day, I caved into my fear of wearing a swimsuit in public -.-'''
I have no fear of being in the public's eye, been there, done that......but just not where I have to parade around my body in a swimsuit in front of the whole world.....(ok, I'm exaggerating)
I don't mind if I had to do it in front of group of strangers but in front of my people I work with?
imagine my "baby fats" flabbing (is this even a word?) around my waist....waiting to catch a glimpse to every eye out there during the annual dinner....OMG
I can wear as little as a miniskirt or shorts with blouses or tank tops
but swimsuit or bikini......no thanks!!!
~jolie @ the shy girl who needs more guts if she were to participate in the pageant~
Friday, March 27, 2009
Mixed signals -> Flirting -> Fun -> Misunderstanding -> Buds?
had a very gloomy day last Wednesday.....since I lost my "light" the day before
I hate goodbyes....even when Jaclyn (colleague/friend) left after 5 mths with me in the bank, I couldn't help but to cry
it's really torturing to know that I'm "losing" a friend....
I know that we will remain friends and eventually the feeling will pass
but I really hate the in between times
I went thru the same thing last Tuesday
that made me so sad the very next day
was feeling down till I couldn't eat breakfast and lunch.....only ate dinner and thankfully didn't passed out in the bathroom at nite
I think I allow myself to get too close to my colleague
who I felt led me to believe that he likes me
and eventually clouded my instinct that he is not single
even if he was, I know I wouldn't and couldn't be with him
somehow maybe I knew he was not single and perhaps I didn't want to believe that cos I like spending time with him
like my previous post, he really showed me how to have a lil fun in life
flirts with me.....somehow I felt like someone cared for me....
cos I haven't felt that in awhile
maybe I thought I like him too
but I also think that maybe I just like the idea of someone who seem to care about me
(pathetic -.-''' and so so naive)
but in the end, whether or not he lied,
whether or not he cared
I keep telling myself that, maybe cos he needs a lil "fun" away time from his not so available status (don't laugh ok 'K' cos I don't want to say the word)
maybe he just needed a friend in a not so familiar place
maybe he "used" me for whatever excuse he has (but i have no hard feelings 'K')
so flirting is as far as I can go to entertain him....and give myself the feeling of having someone who cares and wants to spend time with me
and I'm so so so so very sorry if I have been selfish
I hope he enjoyed hanging out with me as much as I did
I guess in the end maybe all I need was a friend
and "losing" a friend is difficult to bear
wish I could blame him for all the mixed signals he was sending
but I'm not going too (cos I enjoyed it.... :) )
hope we both can put this misunderstanding but yet enjoyable time behind us and remain buds
(buds 'K'?)
cos I love you as a friend my dear!!!
~jolie~
I hate goodbyes....even when Jaclyn (colleague/friend) left after 5 mths with me in the bank, I couldn't help but to cry
it's really torturing to know that I'm "losing" a friend....
I know that we will remain friends and eventually the feeling will pass
but I really hate the in between times
I went thru the same thing last Tuesday
that made me so sad the very next day
was feeling down till I couldn't eat breakfast and lunch.....only ate dinner and thankfully didn't passed out in the bathroom at nite
I think I allow myself to get too close to my colleague
who I felt led me to believe that he likes me
and eventually clouded my instinct that he is not single
even if he was, I know I wouldn't and couldn't be with him
somehow maybe I knew he was not single and perhaps I didn't want to believe that cos I like spending time with him
like my previous post, he really showed me how to have a lil fun in life
flirts with me.....somehow I felt like someone cared for me....
cos I haven't felt that in awhile
maybe I thought I like him too
but I also think that maybe I just like the idea of someone who seem to care about me
(pathetic -.-''' and so so naive)
but in the end, whether or not he lied,
whether or not he cared
I keep telling myself that, maybe cos he needs a lil "fun" away time from his not so available status (don't laugh ok 'K' cos I don't want to say the word)
maybe he just needed a friend in a not so familiar place
maybe he "used" me for whatever excuse he has (but i have no hard feelings 'K')
so flirting is as far as I can go to entertain him....and give myself the feeling of having someone who cares and wants to spend time with me
and I'm so so so so very sorry if I have been selfish
I hope he enjoyed hanging out with me as much as I did
I guess in the end maybe all I need was a friend
and "losing" a friend is difficult to bear
wish I could blame him for all the mixed signals he was sending
but I'm not going too (cos I enjoyed it.... :) )
hope we both can put this misunderstanding but yet enjoyable time behind us and remain buds
(buds 'K'?)
cos I love you as a friend my dear!!!
~jolie~
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