she will be missed - NYSN

i've lost my grandma last week. it's been pretty hard for my mom and everyone else.
seeing the coffin being carried out of the house, seeing my mother's reaction is just heart-breaking.
to lose a mother, is not in anyone's best interest.
i've been battling within myself whether i should be sad or not
in a way, it's a good thing for my granny to have moved on
and no longer need to suffer a life with illness and being alone
but it just felt it wasn't her time

yes, i haven't exactly spent all the time i can with her
because i really wish i had more time with her
i wish she had more time with us
i am gonna miss her
but what i'm gonna miss most is without her, there wouldn't be anymore family gatherings
yes, there will be a few "gatherings" soon for prayers and stuff
but, that will slowly fade too
it's like a string has been cut and there's just no reason to come together
at least that's how i feel

i have been in denial about her passing
cos thinking about it just hurts
seeing the others putting a brave face, felt that i too have to be brave
but i couldn't
i know she's in a happy place
and all i have is to remember that she had remembered me
on the day i visited her in the hospital on the 2nd of May, before she went unconscious in the afternoon, and died the very next morning not waking up from it,
my aunt asked her whether she knew who i was
i swore she was gonna say my cousin's name....cos i thought she might already gone senile
but no.
she mentioned my name.
and that's the last thing she said to me!