Love History? Traggic Love Story? "Greatgrandmother" Story?

*Warning - Might bore you to death if you keep reading!

i have always like him ever since i was 14
he was my first crush, and there could have been something there or at least i thought so
liked him ever since i laid my eyes on him, can't remember exactly when i first saw him
i think it was at MGS school
the interact club went there to prepare for the IU day
but never dared talked to him cos he was like the cute guy that you'd think will pay no interest in you
especially if you were as dark as i was and felt like an ugly duckling at certain point
or felt like a freak cos you were too tall

but after the very eventful sports day in 2000
we were calling each other once we reached home from school
talked about what....i can't remember
but i liked him even more and thought that he liked me too
though people warned me that he was a player
but i didn't care

it started on that sports day when i took part in 4x400m relay (i was the 2nd runner)
i sprinted through the 1st 100m (which was stupid)
then slowed my pace at the 2nd 100m cos i was leading (not so stupid after all)
towards the 3rd and 4th i was out of breathe (back to being stupid)
legs were begging to stop but since i was still leading, i couldn't let my effort go to waste
it was my 1st time having to complete a 400m lap, that was the entire track at the school field
but i didn't stop, i couldn't let my team mates down
as i got to the finish line, i passed the baton to the 3rd runner, went a few steps to the side
and pulled myself to the ground....more to collapsing to the ground is what others would have thought
i didn't care how i look or who was there or how dirty the ground was
i fell with both hands on the ground, butt sitting on my legs, head on my hands
(imagine a dog getting down on its knees and praying, if a dog can do that of course)
i wasn't unconscious, just out of breathe and trying to catch it by not wanting to walk

i knew there was a lot of people there at the finish line
when i fell and "slept" on the ground, i knew i fell infront of someone, more to falling infront of his/her shoes
omg....eww......but i didn't care, because once i landed on that, that person moved away
i didn't know who it was
the st. john ambulance members then came to my aid......as though i have fainted
all i wanna do is laugh cos i felt that it wasn't that serious
maybe to them it was cos a girl "fainted" (what a drama queen)
i was really just tired and can't take anymore steps with my precious legs which i had tortured a 400m run
they "fan-ed" me and carried me away from the finish line (as though i was so light)
but now i can't remember whether they carried me or did i get up and walked myself...hmmm...
anyway, i told them i felt a little better so they left after they sprayed something on my calves
then my dear friends, stephanie and rachel came
steph even rubbed my feet.....how sweet of her, i thought...cos i don't know if i would rub someone's feet
so i am very thankful to have a friend like her and can't even imagine how i let my ego get between us in the later years
but that's another story
after a few minutes, i gained back my strength
and went up to the podium to collect my gold in the 4x400m race
my sweet precious GOLD medal......damn was i glad
i even took part in the high jump and long jump
but can't remember whether i won any medal for that
at the end of the day, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, our blue house won the 1st place for that year's sports day

by evening, after celebrating i went home of course
i was wiped out, thought i could just bathe and sleep but my whole family went to jusco for dinner
the best thing that happen in jusco was, while i was in the elevator, my dad's hp rang
guess who called? it was my crush, it was him...he called my house number of course but got redirected to my dad's hp
back then we program any in-coming call to the house to be directed to daddy's hp whenever we weren't at home
he asked whether i was feeling better and i said i was
i was curious to why he would asked such a thing
he then told me he had witness my fall after my race
to be exact, he said that i fell right in front of him!
OMG.....i felt a little embarrassed but not so much for some reason
he also said that he actually wanted to "pick" me up or pat my shoulder to see whether i was ok
but was stop by the discipline teacher yelling at him like a warning not to touch me or something...lol
i can't confirm that story but his word was all i had

ever since then, we called each other after school
i grew to like him...or maybe just to have a guy to be able to chat with (naive and pathetic....sigh)
and i thought the feeling was mutual
so, one day while we chatting, he asked who i liked in school
i was shy and told him i'll hang up if i told him
so i told him i liked him and without allowing him to give me a response, i hung up
a little rude, i know, but i was so scared and shy
the next day, he brought me at the corner of the corridor near the field and told me i was too young or something
i was heartbroken, cos it was the first time i confessed to a guy i like him but was "rejected"
since then my self-esteem just went down hill
after that, i can't remember whether we talked again or not
and that was that, i think
the next year, he already graduated high school and i didn't hear from him for maybe 3 or 4 years later
i was in NS in 2004, and while i was jungle trekking, he called (amazing reception in the middle of no where)
can't remember what we talked about though
after my stint in NS, saw him once at a hawker stall.....after that, no word from him
totally lost contact

my feelings towards him will always be there but i keep telling myself that i wasn't his type
i can never get this guy
devastated = yes
moved on = yes
still have feelings = i think so cos he was my first crush
the thing is, i don't know him that well to like him even more
all i heard are stories which i think it's true but you can't believe rumours (naive!)
and then came that faithful day, 9th August 2008
didn't want to go out at first, didn't know that daddy wanted to go there
just got better from my MC of 4 days earlier that week
but manage to make it to the PC fair in MP that afternoon
less than 5 minutes into the PC fair, there he was, my crush
playing with his hp, all alone, tall and handsome just like i remembered but a little more buffed-up...totally yummy

we got to catch up for a few minutes and exchange numbers
since i thought he was there with someone, so i let him get going
i got going too.....wondering around the PC fair with bro.....damn bloody crowded and ewkkk....brushing all those sweaty people
then saw him with a bunch of people who looked like his family but didn't ask, didn't want to know
didn't want to pass him and his group so i turn another way
heart was beating, it wasn't like i was avoiding him, because the last thing i would do is avoid such a cute guy
it was because i'll be tongue tied
i mean, c'mon, here's the guy that i like since forever
talking to him would just make me blush, even though i think nobody can see me blush cos i'm not that fair
anyway, kept on walking, when all of a sudden we bumped into each other
though it felt like he purposely chased after me....which if it's true, it's kinda flattering and cute (gosh, i'm such a kid)
we talked a little more and went our separate ways

later, he text me saying that it was nice running into me....vice versa too
bla bla bla.....more catching up
said that the next time he's back, we'll definitely hang out
all the feelings rushed back in......but i knew that this will lead to no where
this thing we have is just friendship
cos he already has a gf
i don't want to be cheated with
and although i want to scold him for flirting with me when he already has a gf
i like the attention he gives me even if he comes back once in a million years
but i can't pursue anything more than a friendship

maybe it's just me, being a little perasan that he still likes me
maybe i read his niceness all wrong.....maybe he is that nice and i am that naive
but it can't be that i'm always wrong....can't be that i misread his behaviour
i always back down after feeling a little paranoid
can't help it by misreading my own judgment
i told my best friend, rachel about this excitement in my life
but when she knew that i was kinda devastated that he already has a girlfriend
she said something that i really wish was true and it was really nice to hear that
she thought that he and i were perfect for each other, that she was rooting for us
but the thing is, like i said, i don't know who he really is
just the fact that it's a guy whom i like since forever
but doesn't matter how much he said he likes me and still do or whatever
i know i can't compete with his girlfriend, whom by the way is with him for almost a decade
so that spells commitment and loyalty, right?
i'll definitely lose that battle!

sigh.......i long for someone like him...at least i think i do
not desperate, just longing for that special someone
i'm not going to interfere with his relationship....i don't intend to be a bitch or whatever you call it
i can't be the reason a girl is devastated....can't be the reason a heart is broken
i don't mind getting MY heart broken....
but i don't want to be toy-ed around as though i have no feelings
so a little flirting doesn't hurt right?
this is where it makes me wonder, is flirting harmless?
i'm trying to put myself in his gf shoes...
will i be hurt if many others flirts with my bf? no...cos he is that cute and it's flattering (crazy)
but will i be hurt if my bf flirts with others? yes!
i really wish he stops flirting with me.....cos it's not fair to his gf
also i can't take it knowing that i won't let this go anywhere.....it hurts
but damn this guy, 9 years and i'm still going ga-ga over him
i don't know what i would do, if he ever crosses that line....or if i can't hide my feelings anymore
what would the outcome be if i follow my heart? (dunno)
and fight for what i want? (as if i dare)
am i nuts to hope on something impossible? (yes!)
i'm just dwelling by that one evening at jonker and a lunch date
that little dark side of me wishes that he would continue liking me and flirts with me -.-'''
wishes for him to be honest and just tell me the truth
answers is what i need i guess......

whoever made it by reading this far, thank you for being in my world for "awhile"
can't believe you read the whole thing...but thank you
i'm not worried if my crush reads this, cos i can never say this to him in person
better at writing stuff down
so this is my so called traggic love story.....