cafe ruah -> almost getting a tat -> beauty pageant

last Saturday was interesting....
went to work as usual....(i can't believe i had to work on MOST Saturdays)
later evening, went to cemetery....it's been awhile since i visited my grandpas grave...
rushed back home, and headed out with bro to St. Theressa's church
the youth of all churches in Malacca had a thingie called "Cafe Ruah"
it's where the youth gathers and just mingle
we had it in a hall with "romantic" candles on the table, youths playing an instrument or sing.....kinda like a bistro
all i did was sulk in the pathetic excuse of a chair the second i got there....
never lifted my butt till the night ended
didn't want to go.....but teman'ed' my bro....also, wasn't exactly up for an earth hour home with my folks, so just getting out of the house seems like a good idea
anyway, had fun looking at teenagers.....wished i was still one....the life of no worries

then Sunday came along.....
didn't feel like teaching the kids anything.......just didn't have the mood
guess I'm still in the "in-between-phase"
but managed to go through my lesson without releasing any anger on my kids
later when classes were over, waited for bro to finish lecturing the youths for some disaster they had caused
that went by short....cos he really didn't want to be the middle guy to lecture those youths
so both of us were just not in a happy place that day
and so i drove us to a tattoo parlor...ever ready to get a permanent ink
i was just a closed-door away from getting a tat......lucky thing the guy was out for lunch
being a no-patience-in-waiting kinda person, i left.
no tats now, but I'm still considering
just found a design that I really really want....just need the courage to do it.

and then, there's today
well, there is this Miss Public Bank Beauty Pageant coming up next year
and the centre I'm working at are suppose to send 1 contestant for the preliminary round during this years annual dinner...and most of my colleagues are kinda forcing/encouraging/persuading me to represent our centre....
like any other beauty pageant, there's evening gown, talent, swimwear and Q&A category
as much as I wanted to submit my application......i just don't have the guts.....
a friend told me if I were to do it for my colleagues, then it's a waste of time...which is true
but I DID wanna participate to challenge myself.....cos it would be fun and it's something I'd like to do
but in the end of the day, I caved into my fear of wearing a swimsuit in public -.-'''
I have no fear of being in the public's eye, been there, done that......but just not where I have to parade around my body in a swimsuit in front of the whole world.....(ok, I'm exaggerating)
I don't mind if I had to do it in front of group of strangers but in front of my people I work with?
imagine my "baby fats" flabbing (is this even a word?) around my waist....waiting to catch a glimpse to every eye out there during the annual dinner....OMG
I can wear as little as a miniskirt or shorts with blouses or tank tops
but swimsuit or bikini......no thanks!!!

~jolie @ the shy girl who needs more guts if she were to participate in the pageant~

Mixed signals -> Flirting -> Fun -> Misunderstanding -> Buds?

had a very gloomy day last Wednesday.....since I lost my "light" the day before
I hate goodbyes....even when Jaclyn (colleague/friend) left after 5 mths with me in the bank, I couldn't help but to cry
it's really torturing to know that I'm "losing" a friend....
I know that we will remain friends and eventually the feeling will pass
but I really hate the in between times

I went thru the same thing last Tuesday
that made me so sad the very next day
was feeling down till I couldn't eat breakfast and lunch.....only ate dinner and thankfully didn't passed out in the bathroom at nite
I think I allow myself to get too close to my colleague
who I felt led me to believe that he likes me
and eventually clouded my instinct that he is not single
even if he was, I know I wouldn't and couldn't be with him

somehow maybe I knew he was not single and perhaps I didn't want to believe that cos I like spending time with him
like my previous post, he really showed me how to have a lil fun in life
flirts with me.....somehow I felt like someone cared for me....
cos I haven't felt that in awhile
maybe I thought I like him too
but I also think that maybe I just like the idea of someone who seem to care about me
(pathetic -.-''' and so so naive)

but in the end, whether or not he lied,
whether or not he cared
I keep telling myself that, maybe cos he needs a lil "fun" away time from his not so available status (don't laugh ok 'K' cos I don't want to say the word)
maybe he just needed a friend in a not so familiar place
maybe he "used" me for whatever excuse he has (but i have no hard feelings 'K')
so flirting is as far as I can go to entertain him....and give myself the feeling of having someone who cares and wants to spend time with me
and I'm so so so so very sorry if I have been selfish
I hope he enjoyed hanging out with me as much as I did
I guess in the end maybe all I need was a friend
and "losing" a friend is difficult to bear

wish I could blame him for all the mixed signals he was sending
but I'm not going too (cos I enjoyed it.... :) )
hope we both can put this misunderstanding but yet enjoyable time behind us and remain buds
(buds 'K'?)
cos I love you as a friend my dear!!!

~jolie~

My Light!!

as I stare through the glass
there is a light
a light that brightens up my day
a light that really makes me laugh
one who makes me smile.

there is a life
that had gave me hope
showed me how to enjoy life
to take it easy
to just have fun.

though I feel like the light is hiding some darkness
I can never put any blame on it
every light has its darkness.

as I stare through that glass
that life has moved on
but I will learn to cope
learn to fill this void eventually
learn to live without that feeling
of just having someone to talk to
someone to disturb, someone to flirt
someone to share our thoughts, heartache and laughter.

as I look through that glass
all I have now are memories
all so very sweet
never once was it bitter.

as I look through that glass
now there's just darkness
no one to smile at me
no one to wink at me
no one trying to take a peek at me
no one to care for me.

through that glass.....you showed me fun
you showed me life
I should have never get too close too that light
because now I miss it
I really wish that this day would never come
I hate you for coming....I hate you for leaving
through that glass......my light.....my friend!

"thank you for everything and best wishes for you and your family! :)"