Mixed signals -> Flirting -> Fun -> Misunderstanding -> Buds?

had a very gloomy day last Wednesday.....since I lost my "light" the day before
I hate goodbyes....even when Jaclyn (colleague/friend) left after 5 mths with me in the bank, I couldn't help but to cry
it's really torturing to know that I'm "losing" a friend....
I know that we will remain friends and eventually the feeling will pass
but I really hate the in between times

I went thru the same thing last Tuesday
that made me so sad the very next day
was feeling down till I couldn't eat breakfast and lunch.....only ate dinner and thankfully didn't passed out in the bathroom at nite
I think I allow myself to get too close to my colleague
who I felt led me to believe that he likes me
and eventually clouded my instinct that he is not single
even if he was, I know I wouldn't and couldn't be with him

somehow maybe I knew he was not single and perhaps I didn't want to believe that cos I like spending time with him
like my previous post, he really showed me how to have a lil fun in life
flirts with me.....somehow I felt like someone cared for me....
cos I haven't felt that in awhile
maybe I thought I like him too
but I also think that maybe I just like the idea of someone who seem to care about me
(pathetic -.-''' and so so naive)

but in the end, whether or not he lied,
whether or not he cared
I keep telling myself that, maybe cos he needs a lil "fun" away time from his not so available status (don't laugh ok 'K' cos I don't want to say the word)
maybe he just needed a friend in a not so familiar place
maybe he "used" me for whatever excuse he has (but i have no hard feelings 'K')
so flirting is as far as I can go to entertain him....and give myself the feeling of having someone who cares and wants to spend time with me
and I'm so so so so very sorry if I have been selfish
I hope he enjoyed hanging out with me as much as I did
I guess in the end maybe all I need was a friend
and "losing" a friend is difficult to bear

wish I could blame him for all the mixed signals he was sending
but I'm not going too (cos I enjoyed it.... :) )
hope we both can put this misunderstanding but yet enjoyable time behind us and remain buds
(buds 'K'?)
cos I love you as a friend my dear!!!

~jolie~