Living versus Surviving

people often forget how to LIVE
rather, all they try to do in this life is survive
the world out there is tough, i know
but why do we tend to just survive and not LIVE our lives?
sitting at my desk, thinking that this job indeed doesn't suit me
thinking that this is not what i was born to do
this is not what i want
has always made me realize it's time to toughen up and pursue something i really like doing
this job is not something that i want, but it is something that i need to survive
which brings me back to my point
people often forget how to LIVE!! including me, that is

how are we suppose to live if we do not like what we do?
doing something we don't like in order to survive is not exactly living
what i am frustrated about is that i have to start out young to be carrying such a burden to work
it's not exactly that i have to support my family
but in a way, i feel like whatever i do, i have to keep in mind that my actions/decision will affect them
whether it's quitting my job to continue my studies
or getting a job in another state
i can't help but to be totally aware of all pros and cons if i were to make such decisions
i do want to get out of my house
one, because i feel like my folks are controlling my life 24/7
two, because i have the need to be independent, cos if i don't start now, when will i?

i didn't exactly had the luxury of furthering my studies or pursuing something i like, maybe i lack the confidence but that's beside the point
though i feel like i have no motivation to do what i want
lack of drive, confidence, knowledge and support
i have no support from practically everyone
which leads to me being so needy.....longing for that mr. right
but then again, it pushes me to be that independent, and i think that scares me
omg....i think that might also scare guys to approach me.....cos i'm independent?
hahahahaha....hearing myself say that in my head makes me wanna burst to laughter

i don't think that I'm that independent....cos I'm still living with my folks....feeding off them
but that doesn't mean I'm needy nor dependent
or that i can be independent and not needy
crap!! lost what i wanted to say and got lost on what I'm suppose to mean...
sigh~~~
i need a break from life.......traveling across Europe will definitely help
but that would be so costly......maybe seeing a shrink would be good too...same thing...costly
anybody wants to be my shrink for FOC?
oh gosh....I'm going nuts....as usual
madness!!!

so....i do wanna be selfish and live on my own but thinking about it just affects my daily life
i know that times are bad and changing jobs right now isn't that of a brilliant move
but keeping the recession factor aside, i have always wanted to live on my own
out of this comfort zone but honestly i think i'm scared of that
so i have to make a decision, no hurry though
just wish i could have this conversation with my folks
i'm too young to be surviving......i need to be living!!
but first, i have to figure out what the hell is it that i want in life!!!
haiz...... -.-'''