blek

no more motivation to carry on working
also have less motivation to go back to study but that's just a small sense of fear i guess
fear of blending in
need to find a huge motivator to jump start my spirit into going back to college
can't back down now cos i have already paid my registration fees and stuff
1K plus all gone
my hard earn money
for the second time, i'm gonna have to support my own education
what a burden!
seeing some kids whom parents support their edu,
then throw that all away by not caring how well they do and just to have fun at coll/uni
really angers me
there they have no need to worry anything but to just study
and yet they throw that away
here i am having to worry to fend for myself.......so much to worry for
food, books, tuition fees, personal expenses, blending in, peer pressure, bills
gotta have to cut down on entertainment. leisure, comfort = hard work
i do envy those who have the means to do whatever they want
but i hate those who just throw it all away
they haven't felt the pinch
i consider my family almost below average (even though we don't look like it)
mummy's struggling...been struggling and always have been.....so i can't depend on her
she has come a long way since her younger days
and of course, she complains about every penny i spend and i understand where she's coming from
but sometimes i ignore that and "waste" some of my money on myself, on unnecessary stuff
cos if i don't i'll just go kuu-koo
when i told my aunt that i'm furthering my studies by taking another loan,
she asked me why my mom can't pay for my edu
she made a good point when she said this to my mom, "she still so young and already have so many debts"
in a way, i wish mummy was as rich as her so that i don't have to worry about money
and having parents who can support ur edu would be mind relieving
and wish that my aunt knows that we are no where close in being half as rich as her
but we are the way we are....gotta and have accepted that
and this will be a huge step for me to be supporting myself
if i have to go back to having no life (as if i have one now), then so be it
at least until one year is up and i have to be in kl....and still fend for myself
OMG....am i that scared to be totally independent??
all i wanted since high school is to be independent..to live on my own....or as mummy would say "spreading my wings"
but not when i have no financial support to even kick start an independence!
of course i'm scared.......damn it!!!